Life can be really tough sometimes, and it may break your heart to see your friend going through such a difficult time. So then it’s only natural that you’re focused on getting the best suggestions on what to say to a friend who is having a hard time.
What To Say To A Friend Who Is Having A Hard Time And 3 Things Never To Say
When a friend is struggling, you to want to be there for them and offer words of comfort and support. But it’s understandable that finding the right things to say can be challenging, especially when emotions are running high.
That’s why I’m here to support you and your efforts to help a friend who has a hard time.
And in this post, I want to give you some guidance on what to say to a friend who’s going through a rough patch.
Just remember, everyone’s situation is unique, and there’s no magic formula. But these suggestions can provide a starting point to navigate those heartfelt conversations and offer genuine support when they need it the most.
We can now begin.
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WHAT TO SAY TO A FRIEND WHO IS HAVING A HARD TIME
#1 SAY: WHAT DO YOU NEED? HOW CAN I HELP?
This is a very powerful question to ask and speaks volumes about empathy and understanding.
That’s because it is opening the space for true connection and for them to really get what they need.
As they can feel safe to ask for things that would really relieve their pain, help them cope, or simply make them feel a little better.
It’s also magnificent because, with this question, you’re saying that you’re putting their needs ahead, as you’re not trying to create comfort for yourself, like it would be if you were to focus on doing things you believe are helpful just because you feel better doing them.
For instance, by trying to give unsolicited advice.
People do this because it’s hard for them to bear the pain they feel by looking at or listening to someone in pain, so they block it by creating an outlet for deflection.
But what those in pain really need is for you to let them feel what they feel or to feel it with them and not deflect from it – you or them.
You because you’re disrespecting their experiences by trying to minimize or relativize them.
And them because blocking the pain only helps the pain get stronger and more persistent and prolong the inevitable—the emotion and pain have to be felt to be able to pass, as that way they will lose their grip.
This doesn’t mean that they won’t need reframing or putting things into a wider perspective later on.
It’s just that at this time, they still need someone to create a safe space for them to honestly and openly express their emotions and experiences, because that’s their reality at this moment.
And they simply need someone to acknowledge it and show them that they are understood.
The other important thing here is that by asking, How can I help? you’re saying that you will give them your undivided attention and listen to what they have to say about their situation and their true needs.
Instead of trying to or being forced to adapt to what others expect them to say or do.
People often have a hard time perceiving through someone else’s lenses because they are thinking about the problems of someone else from their life (safe) position, which makes them believe that this wouldn’t have happened to them because they would do things better if only they were the people affected by the problem/situation.
And if they can’t put themselves in someone else’s position by trying to imagine (or play out) how it would be for them if they were the person affected by the problem, then they will almost always get it wrong with how they respond.
So don’t be this person; as far as I can imagine, considering you’re here, you’re not that person, so go ahead and use this question as many times as possible or as many times as you want because you can’t get it wrong if you do.
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#2 SAY: YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS; YOU’RE STRONG AND CAPABLE ENOUGH
You shouldn’t be afraid to say this or send it as a message indirectly through different behaviors or wording, because that way you’re not saying that things aren’t tough or that it isn’t difficult for your friend who is having a hard time right now. However, you’re saying that they’ve got what it takes to persevere.
What you’re communicating is that they don’t need to despair, as they can rely on themselves to get what they need to recover, heal, and move on.
And that they’re stronger than they can see right now, as they’re consumed by the situation and have a hard time distancing from it, naturally.
This can empower them to give themselves some grace and nurture themselves the way they need it. Instead of, for example, being hard on themselves and believing all they should do is blame themselves for what happened to them.
It’s okay to take responsibility for your situation because that’s the way we get our power back.
However, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take the time to get over things that happened to us, because that way we’ll be avoiding confronting the situation and blocking the pain and emotions we need to go through to truly move on.
You can tell your friend this and you won’t get it wrong because this is the truth: they are themselves stronger than things happening to them, and with the right help and care, they will get through difficult times.
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#3 SAY: I AM HERE FOR YOU; YOU CAN RELY ON ME FOR SUPPORT
When you choose to say these words, you’re ahead of the game, considering many people neither say them nor show them in action.
Ever.
And unfortunately, not many people have real support when they need it, and the more egocentrism in the environment, the worse it gets.
The less solidarity and compassion we foster and the more polarities and competition we nurture, the more fertile ground we create for loneliness and exclusion.
This doesn’t mean healthy competition is bad or that we all need to be the same; quite the contrary.
However, I’m talking about finding the balance here and expanding your consciousness enough to be able to recognize if you’re also part of the problem and whether the system you’re in is acceptable or needs change.
The change can start with you just being there for your friend.
That’s because the circle of good deeds thus expands.
People can best lead by example, and considering this compassionate act would feel good for any human, they will delve into these present feelings of safety, security, and acceptance, which will also make them feel more free to do the same for others.
Instead of always trying to make sure they’re not scre*ed over by others and constantly comparing themselves to them, counting who did or didn’t do what.
And measuring who is more resistant to hits and hurts in order to show that they’re not vulnerable and sensitive.
This is a very toxic culture, and I advise that you move past it and let your friend and yourself be vulnerable and human as you are, and NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, is wrong with that.
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#4 SAY: WOULD YOU LIKE US TO TALK ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS?
Some people may have difficulty talking about their emotions because they fear exposure and vulnerability because, for example, they weren’t allowed or supported to do so.
This is why you can ask your friend if they’re open to it.
Plus, this is an invitation for them to consider opening up if they aren’t used to just starting to talk about their feelings, especially difficult emotions.
Or if you believe they would benefit from talking about their emotions, you can ask indirect questions that will inspire them to share their experience.
Shying away from sharing emotions is not uncommon, as this is still seen as weak, even though emotions are a normal part of our human existence and are driving many of our decisions.
Having this in mind, it would be a good move to remind your friend that:
- this will be very beneficial for them because it will help them start to heal and
- that there’s no shame in being a human being with our human experience, where emotions are an inevitable part.
And a beautiful one, by the way.
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#5 SAY: WILL YOU FIND IT USEFUL IF I FEEL YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOU?
Even though you can’t really or exactly, physically feel what they’re feeling, you can concentrate on empathizing with their emotions by trying to relate to how it would feel if you were in their exact place.
This is not about trying to understand something, meaning that it’s not about understanding how they think or how they should think, as this is not about cognition, it’s about emotions only.
So while they would like you to feel what they feel to truly “get” it, that may not be possible if you weren’t in their place. However, you can acknowledge their experience and ask if they would like to just feel what they feel with you or share how they felt if that’s something that happened before.
You can even sit in silence with them and just let them be, open up and express their emotions, and share everything they want and need to share.
Also, this is not about fixing anything or suggesting solutions.
They just need you to do nothing else but let them be with their emotions, go through them, and feel safe they won’t be abandoned, dismissed, or disregarded because they’re feeling the way they do.
If you focus on fixing, then you’ll be risking sending a message that you can’t handle this and that you can’t emphatize the way they need you to.
It’s a whole other subject if they are asking for solutions or they’re troubleshooting something. And even if they’re doing so, they still need you to create a safe space for sharing emotions and feeling their emotions in the first place.
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#6 SAY: YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH HARD THINGS BEFORE; CAN YOU NAME WHAT HELPED YOU COPE?
If you go with this approach, you will empower your friend who is having a hard time and give them the opportunity to look at themselves with fresh eyes, where they are not only consumed by what they are affected by.
You’ll give them a chance to give themselves enough credit and perceive themselves as competent individuals who’ve got what it takes to overcome the hardship they’re facing.
At the same time, you’ll give them hope that they can move past what’s going on because they’ve done it before!
They’ve probably been in worse situations, but they still managed to survive, come through, or even thrive.
You can suggest that they take a piece of paper or a digital note about, for example, 50 difficult or challenging things they’ve managed to overcome.
Remember, this isn’t about avoiding reality; it’s about empowerment to rely on their skills, capacity, and competence, so don’t be afraid to suggest this.
Don’t push them to do it immediately if it’s not the right time for this, but if you can sense that it is, go for it.
Use your intuition to discover if it’s the right time, and/or ask them if they would use an exercise like that.
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#7 SAY: EVEN THOUGH IT’S HARD RIGHT NOW, THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU
If you choose to say this, you won’t be saying that they should disregard reality and start believing that it doesn’t matter what occurred to them because things will eventually be better.
What you will be saying is that it’s okay to:
- try to relax a bit,
- take a few deep breaths, and
- not believe that they have to be consumed by what happened to them and expect everything to be fixed instantly.
It can also help them to stop for a moment and collect their strength to be able to “fight their battles” or find better ways to deal with things once they’ve had the time to sit with them for a moment and understand more about them.
At the same time, we get to know ourselves when we’re challenged, plus we discover what we’re made of and learn what we’re capable of when the time comes.
This can be helpful later on because we can land on our feet faster as we’re now more experienced and even capable, considering we may acquire a certain set of useful skills by going through challenging situations.
The other reason why this can be very useful for them is the fact that you’re sending a message that there’s always hope and that we can find the way to get out of any situation, because the light is expected at the end of a dark tunnel.
This doesn’t mean conveying the message that they shouldn’t do anything about their situation because things will magically get better by themselves.
But rather that it’s ok not to put so much pressure on themselves or on the problem itself, considering detaching themselves from the situation will be helpful.
Both for getting out of difficulty faster because they get to be more objective and realistic and for behaving less reactively and more constructively and responsively, even proactively, which helps them be better problem solvers.
This eventually leads to things actually starting to get better and getting them on the right track again, even faster than they initially anticipated.
#8 SAY: IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
There’s a pressure to feel better or get back on track rather quickly, even though this is not necessary or always possible.
And it usually comes from people who are ignorant about the time needed to heal or from those who can’t bear to see others like that because it makes them uncomfortable and they don’t know what to do about it.
Or it can come from ourselves when we’re in pain because we were/are expected to behave like this by people around us and society.
Even though we need to have a sense of discomfort to be able to help someone, that’s different from being intolerant or too sensitive to the pain of others, because in that case we lack the capacity to be there for them or truly help or support them.
And that’s usually because we have a problem getting in touch with our own vulnerability, which is necessary.
So, just step out of the crowd of misinformed or insensitive folk where you don’t belong and tell your friend who is having a hard time that it’s okay if they’re not okay and that they should take their time to recover and take proper care of themselves.
Ask them how you can support them in their healing process, and reassure them that they have your full support for getting through this in the way they see it’s needed for their situation.
If you know your friend very well and you see that the difficult circumstances they’re in have taken a toll on their mental health, support them in getting the help that they need.
Remind them not to pay attention to the stigma around mental illnesses and to put their health needs first by taking the necessary steps to get the right help.
It’s a trap to believe that we should be able to handle anything life throws at us, considering we may have different capacities and sensitivity.
We can become more resilient and stronger, but this should come later once we’ve got the necessary mental health aid if we suffer the consequences of different life events, catastrophes, or harm.
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#9 SAY: YOU DON’T NEED TO THINK POSITIVELY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO OR CANT
This is important to mention because positivity can be toxic, and forcing yourself to think positively when this is not appropriate for the occasion or time being can be detrimental to mental health and well-being.
It’s wise to choose our thoughts and to manage our self-talk, but this doesn’t mean avoiding (unpleasant) emotions or not facing “reality”.
This is especially important to mention because if someone is telling you how hard it is for them, it’s clear that they’re in pain and that they’re finding their way to overcome the struggle.
Therefore, it’s inappropriate and inconsiderate to tell them that they should just think positively and everything will work out.
Some people do need to manage their thoughts better, and they will once they learn how to better attribute the meaning they give to different things that happen to them.
However, even if this is the case for your friend, there is a time when you could point this out, but if they’re suffering right now, that’s not the time to tell them that they need to be positive.
Considering that’s not acknowledging their emotions and their position that they need right now.
I mean, they need you to open the space for them to tell you how they really feel about something and how they perceive the whole situation they’re in.
It’s a whole different circumstance if they have managed to reframe things and have already detached and distanced themselves enough to be able to look at things from a different or wider perspective.
However, then they won’t even need you to tell them to think “positively”, so I suggest that you avoid that sintagma on all occasions.
Now, you can tell them this sentence about them not having to think positively because all chances are that someone has already tried to convince them that that’s all they need, so with this, you’ll be lifting a lot of weight off their shoulders.
And even if no one told them, you can still tell them this to encourage them to open up about how it really is for them.
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#10 SAY: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US TO DO RIGHT NOW?
Firstly, if you say this, you’ll be sending a message that you’re ready to give them a gift of your time, which is precious.
Secondly, you’ll be saying that you’re willing to follow their lead and honor their needs and desires.
As opposed to them feeling like they’re a burden for you because they’re insisting on something they need or want.
This is helpful because they’ll be able to expect that you won’t find them needy or too demanding.
And because you’re clearly stating and showing that you have the capacity to move beyond your convenience and put their needs first right now.
You can suggest things too, but before you do that, you have to make sure that this is something with which they are comfortable.
This is important because if you don’t, you’re risking making them feel like they have to just move on with their lives even though they’re not ready to do so.
The fact that you can or want to do regular things or fun stuff doesn’t mean that they can or want to.
They might, but you cannot know this until you’re certain that this is so.
The good news is that you can simply ask whether it would be helpful for them if you provided a suggestion.
Finally, by asking this question, you’re giving them permission to freely say that they can’t do anything right now, while at the same time telling them they can count on you to wait for them to start when they’re ready.
#11 SAY: WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU OR INSTEAD OF YOU THAT WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW?
Depending on the nature of your friend’s hardship, it may be that some technical help is the one to go for.
Your friend may be exhausted or more tired than usual because hardships can drain energy or prevent people from functioning the way they would in regular circumstances.
Now, this doesn’t have to be true always, because people can even thrive in hard times.
But if they’ve been under the influence of something difficult or damaging for some time or are experiencing mental health problems, exhaustion may have creeped in.
In these situations, it can be hard for people to even do simple tasks, so they may find it very helpful if you take something off their plate.
You can always suggest doing something for them, especially if you’re good at running arons or executing one-time activities that they have piled up.
You can mention that you know that they can do them, but that they don’t have to do everything by themselves because they have you to offer your helping hand.
#12 SAY: I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, IS THAT OKAY?
You can give them a gift without asking if you know them well or if you’re certain that the gift you chose is something they would find helpful right now.
But you can also feel the pulse on this, considering they may have different needs right now, and this wouldn’t be particularly useful for them, even though all or most people would love this kind of attention.
The thing is, this gesture can have a different connotation for them depending on how you approach their position or hardship altogether.
For instance, if you weren’t able to listen or empathize, they may even feel repulsive towards you or offended by this gesture.
But if you showed true support or offered your help for whatever they needed before this act of kindness, then this will make them feel appreciated and valued, plus it can help them feel better.
You can ask them if they would like a gift even though you’re certain that this will be a spot-on gift, because that way you’ll be:
- acknowledging their perspective,
- sending a strong message that you’re all about honoring their wishes, and
- showing that you’re having their best interest at heart.
As opposed to focusing on what you think, feel, or believe is right or suitable.
The same act can at the same time be an act of kindness and a insulting step all depending on the context in which gifting is taking place.
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#13 SAY: I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME, BUT I UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME
You can say this if your friend says that they need to spend some time in solitude. If they’re grieving, it may be that they need some alone time, for example.
You shouldn’t take that personally because it’s not about you.
Respect their wishes, but while doing so, you can say that you will be there if they need you.
This is very thoughtful and considerate because you’re acknowledging their wishes, but at the same time you’re opening the space for them to feel welcomed and accepted whenever they choose to “come back”.
That’s important because they may feel guilty because they are taking the time for themselves, as they may be used to, like many or most people are, always being responsive.
Guilt may make them hesitant to ask for anything like support or a helping hand because they may believe that this is too much to ask for or expect, considering they decided not to keep in touch for a while.
If you do this, they will have reassurance that it is safe and okay to do.
#14 SAY: WOULD YOU LIKE US TO GO SOMEWHERE TOGETHER, AND IF YOU DO, WHERE?
Your friend may find it beneficial to change the scenery or take a trip as a way to feel better.
If that’s the case, you can ask them what they think about this idea and show that you’re open and flexible to meet their desires.
You shouldn’t try to impose this on them or try to persuade them that this is what they need because you believe this would make anyone feel better, because you may do the exact opposite.
They may take this as a sign that you can’t handle seeing them in pain and that you want it to stop.
Sometimes, and for some people, this is true and even intentionally done, but for many, it’s just a mistake because you need special skills to be able to respond the right way.
So just be aware of this, and before suggesting anything, ask if that’s what they need in the first place.
And if it is, find out if they have some ideas for the place or if they would be open to suggestions.
If they signal that they are, then you can bring up your pitch.
3 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A FRIEND WHO IS HAVING A HARD TIME
1. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS OR EVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS
This is a very discouraging message to convey, and it has the potential to add a layer of uncertainty and fear over their already shaken faith that things will work out for them and for their life.
Even though someone is going through a really hard time and overwhelming circumstances, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have the capacity and skills to overcome them.
People are resilient, and we can’t know what they can or can’t do, nor should we give this type of estimate at all, especially while it’s really hard for them, unless they ask for it.
At the same time, by saying this, you’re only projecting your own fears and concerns onto them, because you’re thinking only from your perspective, perceiving how what happened to them would be difficult and challenging for you, and you wouldn’t know what to do with it.
And not them.
Additionally, by being reactive like that, you’re not giving them the support they need from you but rather having trouble decentering from your own experience and thought pattern and lacking the skill like empathy that could help detect that this is not really an acceptable thing to say in a hard situation.
If this is so, you can aquire the skill, but you first have to see it for what it is to be able to acknowledge that this is something that should change. If you want to improve your interpersonal relationships, naturally.
#2 YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL SO BAD/YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL THAT WAY
If you verbalize this, you’ll be saying that it’s you who doesn’t want or can’t handle that they’re feeling the way they are because you can’t understand why they feel this way due to having a hard time empathizing for some reason.
Or you’re just not comfortable with it.
Your friend already feels the way they do, so it’s needless to tell them that they shouldn’t feel whatever they’re feeling.
Secondly, it’s not up to you to determine how they should or shouldn’t feel, as this is a deeply personal thing in which no one has the right to interfere.
And thirdly, it’s not about needing to feel anything like this is something you should, can control, or should avoid, as emotions help us navigate the world and are a regular part of human existence.
Additionally, it’s not about not feeling them but rather about channeling them for our best interests.
Finally, if you tell someone who is having a hard time that they shouldn’t feel the way they do, you’re invalidating, disrespecting, and disregarding them because you’re questioning and dismissing their reality, integrity, dignity, and even sanity depending on the type of situation they’re in.
#3 I’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT/I DON’T BELIEVE THINGS ARE LIKE THAT
Unless your friend is a manipulative individual and there’s reasonable doubt that what they’re telling you is a lie, saying something along these lines would be very unempathetic and inconsiderate.
Just because it’s hard for you to imagine a certain sequence of events, that doesn’t mean that your thoughts or conclusions about them being impossible or unlikely are accurate.
Oftentimes, out of fear for our own safety (“Who can guarantee this won’t happen to me?”) we may end up putting the blame on the person affected (“You must’ve done something wrong to deserve this?!”).
Or we may try to relativize the situation or avoid seeing it for what it is so that we can protect ourselves from a (too) hard reality.
Even if you didn’t experience something like that, this doesn’t make it in any way relevant to what your friend is experiencing because this is not about you, and you should put effort into excluding yourself and focusing on your friend’s needs.
If you don’t and you keep focusing on your own experience, you’ll end up hurting your friend who needs support, and instead of getting it, they’ll be put in a position where they have to prove themselves and where their integrity and trustworthiness are questioned.
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- Be Extraordinary FREE Masterclass: understand how you can achieve higher states of consciousness, tap into your fullest potential, and bend your life’s reality.
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- The Silva Ultramind System FREE Masterclass: get familiarized with Hose Silva’s techniques and tools for harnessing altered states of mind to awaken your mind’s fullest potential and transform your reality.
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FINAL THOUGHTS ON WHAT TO SAY TO A FRIEND WHO IS HAVING A HARD TIME
In times of hardship, knowing what to say to a friend who is having a hard time can feel like an overwhelming task.
Still, by offering empathy, active listening, and unwavering support, you can make a significant difference in their journey.
Just keep in mind that your unique voice and genuine care are what truly matter.
So I encourage you to approach your friend’s struggles with compassion and understanding.
Be there for them, validate their emotions, and let them know they are not alone.
Your presence and support can provide so much hope and strength during their darkest moments, you probably don’t even realize this.
You’re doing amazing so just keep up with the good work, thanks for your attention, and I’ll see you in my next post! Before you go, read my post:
3 Biggest Mistakes With Self-acceptance
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